Unlovely

You know I have always been unlovely
This body of mine that I acquired
From the tangle of leaves and brambles in an ancient adolescence
This body that was an unruly and uncomely accident
Useful to be sure, but merely a kind of temporary residence
A place to be when none other was available

Yet it is only now, when I am become, to use your words, deformed
When my shape embraces an unconventional aspect and
Encompasses both the woman and the man of my humanity
That I begin to find within myself a shy pride
Sneaking glances at this odd body never glimpsed before
A gentle satisfaction unique to me in my experience

Here am I come to my beginning, my transformation
From an unlovely artifact of indiscriminate articulation
To a form of unconventional intensity and contemplation
For I am seeing in this new and different way of being
A new and different way of becoming who I am
A utopian echo escaping my dystopic past.

There is a freedom of difference that is conferred
By being oneself different and not for any reason particularly
But embracing change and being the substance of change
Expanding the mind and the heart may have this side effect
Discarding the old, the familiar, the regular
And becoming something new, distinct and singular

I wish I had a way to share this feeling of disappearing limitation
For I was trapped for so long in my secular self
Unmoved by a moving world - untouched and uninvolved
A separate entity alone in my own grandiose fantasies
An aggregate of everybody else's dreams
Traveling at great speed in a circle to nowhere

It is when we get free of the haunted past
We see the present not in the context of the past
But in the interconnectedness of the present
As if I were sighted for the first time
I see the waste and pain that were the gifts I brought
To the train wreck of my life

It is this new sight with which I see my body now
And in this sight I am become almost beautiful
Not because of the line or the angle or shape of this or that
But because the outer change reflects the inner
And in this mirror I see now not some random alien form
But myself for the first time beside you.

 

2011

creative commons