Tides

Your words rip and tear me, mixing with my tears
Of loss, of desperation, of frustration, of fear
Of desolation, of consternation, of ultimate remorse
To be alone, to be abandoned, to be rejected, to be undeserving
Unloved, homeless, worthless, pointless, brainless, directionless
Shorn of my center, spinning out of control into a night
of my own making but not of my own choosing.

I want some other outcome, please.
Though I deserve no better, though your words are all true
As mine have been so often false or misleading
False to you, false to me, largely imaginary, inflated
Draped in many pretty colors but without real substance
Like looking in a mirror
Death would be preferable, is unavailable, is not an option
Failure yes, but not release, no easy cessation for this pain
Self made to the last devoid of consolation.

I can't trust death not to seek to punish you
Who is blameless, who is the object of my every desire
You leave no room left in desire for death to take a seat
Death mocks me like a hollow lie, laughing at me,
Taunting me with impossibility - nothing new here
More tears, nobody sees, it doesn't matter
Can one get to look forward to the ebb and flow of pain
Like the tides of a misspent life without real outcome
Just a patch of sand on which a life was written

I remember this pain, my old school pain
When I would run to the woods and cry,
Leaving you behind, hoping no one would see
Everything I have in life is from you, even this pain
It's like going for a visit to my youth, this pain is so familiar
It fills me again and again, over and over
Hating myself, never you, though I tried to hate you
Sometimes I almost succeeded, but that was a lie
Sometimes you need the lie when the truth hurts too much

Pain I gave you, I gave birth to so many monsters
Gnawing in your ravaged body, your tortured soul, keeping you from sleep
Driving you to caring not at all, no, not even a little
Ruining every scheme, invalidating every plan, without fail
My failure was your impediment, your obstacle
I am the wall between you and your happiness
Oh God, how could I be made that badly, so crudely
So pointlessly, so totally without utility, just trash
It's long past time I was thrown away dearest

No, please, no.

It'll be over soon enough and no one will remember me
Like some ember shot from the fire with a brief little crack
I will be gone and no one will mourn for my passing
Just one more hallucination, thinking briefly you were alive
So soon to pass into that reality without time
I've only that to look forward to now...
What a colossal waste of time I have been
Even incapable of feeling sufficient pain
To match the pain I have inflicted on you
Good riddance.

2011

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