Gender Traitor

I am a gender traitor, I know it
Am an imposter, too
I'm not who I was supposed to be
Tried — for years I tried
Failed, too.

The burly men, broad shouldered
The lovely women, svelte and graceful
Strong armed and proud
Serenely delicate and desirable
Strong, confident real man
Beautiful, serene woman of substance
Brother, husband, father
Sister, wife, mother
It was all just pretense

How could I compete in that alien world
Could not even feel
Could not take pride in that
Could not feel that inside me without
Hatred, without fear, without revulsion
Like a suit of clothes to put on
That didn't fit. It was
A part I played
Badly

I am a gender traitor
Because I do not love the things I'm supposed to love
That desire is not in me somehow

I am a gender traitor
because I refuse to feel ashamed
of who I am and who I want to be

I am a gender traitor because
Am both and neither
Am not man, nor the woman
There is no part of that ideal
In my ideal of me.

 

2010

creative commons